Marriages in India continue to remain safe, secure and sacrosanct, but...

A wonderful meeting ground. Seen at the .Oberoi Melting Pot. arranged on September 30 are, from left, First Lady Pervin Jehangir, President-Elect Ashish Vaid, President Dr. Rumi and Gopi Vaid. The event, so diligently organised by PP Gul Kripalani, helped garner over Rs. 20.40 lakhs for Habitat and will be used for building houses for indigent women living in villages just outside the city.

They won by a show of hands as the vast majority remained silent and, for once, fell in the category of "Don't Know" or "Can't Say".

When moderator Pradeep Saxena put the proposition "Extra-marital affairs are good for marriages" to vote at the joint meeting of the Club last week, not many hands were raised. As he was about to wind up the proceedings, a demand went up for a show of hands in opposition. This time, more than a few went up.

But, significantly, a large majority of those present in the Ball Room of the Taj Mahal Hotel on the afternoon of October 9 seemed content sitting on the fence.

The proposition fell through despite its forceful espousal by such stalwarts as PP Haresh Jagtiani, Dolly Thakore and Soli Cooper. The speakers of the Rotary Club of Bombay Pier, namely, PP Nishit Dhruva, Riaz Nagree and PP Saif Qureshi, carried the day.

Although some called it a light debate, it highlighted plain truths . that even though .living in. had become the norm in European and other countries and more children were born out of wedlock rather than within, the Indian psyche was not ready to ape the West. The institution of marriage in India would continue to remain safe, secure and sacrosanct for a long time to come.

Bombay Pier President Hussain Rassai and Hon. Joint Secretary Ashok Podar, accompanied by several members and Rotaryanns, livened up the Ball Room with their chatter and jolly disposition and the proceedings were conducted in a congenial atmosphere. PDG Gulam Vahanvaty and District Secretary Ajay Gupta were to act as judges but happily curtailed their roles in view of the paucity of time.

Haresh Jagtiani referred to the Bombay Pier team as "my young and moral friends" and set the tone of the debate. All three stalwarts speaking in favour did seem avuncular at times, but were never pedantic or patronising. They sagely disbursed nuggets from their rich repertoire of experience.

Haresh said he had done a lot of "research" and could say from personal experience that extra-marital affairs were good for marriages. Even his wife agreed with him. In fact, the proposition had universal application and applied to all mankind . and womankind as well.

Tongue firmly in cheek, he said that statistically .it has been found that 96.00136 and a half percent of unions in marriage are first time experiences in intimacy. Ask yourself, how much innovation can a newly-married couple bring to bear on their intimacy? One, two or three years; after that you run out of ideas and this is where extra-marital affairs will hold you in good stead".

If each spouse went out "to widen his or her knowledge resource", then those experiences would come to bear on the couple's intimacy and keep the marriage healthy. Thus, extra-marital affairs could enhance the prospects of a marriage.

Young members of Bombay Pier believe marriages are made to last

Speaking against the proposition, Saif Qureshi did an admirable job		So did Niaz Nagree, who talked of extra-marital affairs being taboo		Nishit Dhruva said his Club firmly believed in the sanctity of marriage

But what if the spouse happened to ask, "Where did you learn this from?" At that time, it was best to maintain a discreet silence and not take recourse to The Four-Way Test!

Even religion made a case for extra-marital affairs. One of the Ten Commandments said, "Thou shall not covet thy neighbour.s wife". But this merely imposed a reasonable restriction and did not say anything about a wife living three to four blocks away, or the neighbouring city, or the neighbouring country.

Health reasons, too, came into play. A person having an affair kept fit and in shape. If the spouse suspected that some hanky-panky was going on, then he/she, too, would want to become more attractive to win back the spouse. Thus, both the person having an affair as well as the spouse wanting him/her back, started taking better care of their health and appearance.

"We are all watching you. If anyone starts dieting at the Rotary Club, we know what you are up to," Haresh concluded.

Taking up cudgels against him, Nishit Dhruva said members of Bombay Pier firmly believed in the sanctity of marriage and felt that affairs would further complicate already troubled marriages.

Comparing marriage to a case of diabetes, he said doctors advised patients to keep away from sweets and sugar but suggested the use of a supplement such as Equal.

"In the same way, if you get tired in your marriage, please try and introduce something new. You can always try to change the outlook of your spouse, make her look beautiful, take her out, go for romantic evenings . It's like with diabetes. The product remains the same, the tea remains the same, but it comes with supplements."

Nishit said it was necessary to consider the fate of parents, children and other social obligations that went with marriage. After all, marriage was an eternal bonding of two bodies in one soul and meant being together both during good times as well as bad times.

"As they say, you have a choice of either being happy in life or getting married. Since you have chosen to get married, stay married and don't get into other areas (such as affairs). But if it becomes clear that your marriage is breaking, it's better to divorce. Terminate your contract and salvage the goods before the factory is demolished.

"Marriages are made in heaven, but for those not made in heaven, go to Mr. Jagtiani or Mr. Cooper straightaway for a divorce," he added.

Speaking next, Dolly Thakore wished that at the age of 20 or 25 she had had the wisdom that she was blessed with now.

Going straight to the point, she said "If each one of us is truly honest with ourselves, I think (we will agree that) there is an urge and a yearning for extra excitement, for extra-marital excitement". But an affair was not just about jumping into bed and having sex. It could be an affair of the mind, or one of compatibility in different areas.

Very often women were told, 'How good you.re looking today! I.m sure you.re having an affair!. Even an advertising campaign said, "That shine on your face should come from him, not from your skin". Many women believed that there was a glow on their face not just from having sex, but even from the attention that they received.

And when they crossed the age of 30 or 35, when children had been raised and they had a lot of free time, women were often heard to say, "I need an affair".

Having an affair did not mean the break-up of marriage. On the contrary, it helped a woman to look at her life in a more open, healthy manner.

"Your whole personality changes, you become more generous, you are not bitching about others. The frustration goes from you... So try it, I'm sure extra-marital affairs are going to help you build a very good relationship," Dolly added.

Opposing the motion, Riaz Nagree said the scriptures, culture and social ethos were clear that any relationship outside marriage was taboo.

Statistics showed that the majority of affairs were carried out by men, probably because till not long ago they were the predominant working force. But most men looked at their wives as plain vanilla ice cream; the addition of a solitary cherry at the top added more flavour.

"I call those husbands who are having those cherries or lafdas, MCPs (maha chaalu persons). The MCP wakes up in the morning, not knowing whose bed he is in, the wife at home or the 'worm' - (the woman outside registered marriage). It takes him a few minutes to recollect where he is and then he behaves accordingly.

"At the breakfast table, he is preoccupied and is in no mood to talk. The poor wife thinks it is the pressure of work. Alas, it is the pressure of the 'wor'. of the previous evening.

"But the MCP works harder than his colleagues. For, managing two women can be quite demanding on time and money. If the wife calls him at work, he says he is busy in a meeting. But when the 'worm' calls, he is all ears. He behaves like the early bird which has got the worm."

Urging women to be wary of husbands who suddenly started showering them with gifts, he said the MCP got bored easily and, hassled by the first one.s constant demands, started looking for .worm II. to add more spice to life.

But in the ultimate analysis, Riaz concluded, .When you.re old, no cherry or .worm. is going to stick by you, its your plain old vanilla ice cream that will be with you. So all you wannabe MCPs, decide what you want. You cannot have the .worm. and eat the cake, too. If you want a long and happy marriage, stay with the wife. If you want an affair, then have the worm and don't ever sing Mujhko bhi to lift kara de, ek nahin do char dila de".

Soli Cooper sought to drive home the point that the institution of marriage was in danger of becoming irrelevant and obsolete. But it was worth saving though by its very nature it was a restrictive institution putting curbs on conduct, behaviour, speech and thought.

The biggest restriction was on sexual behaviour. The sexual impulse, after hunger, was probably the strongest human impulse. And restricting it was perhaps the strongest restriction that could be put on a human being.

"It eliminates and prohibits the freedom of sexual relations with anybody other than one partner. People have always fought against restrictions. They fight against restrictions everywhere in their lives. It.s a natural human instinct. Today, the world is moving slowly towards a monogamous concept of marriage.

"You are forcing people to decide whether they want to accept this curb on their sexual behaviour. Unfortunately, more and more people are opting out. Look at the facts. Many countries in Europe have children out of wedlock rather than in wedlock.

"In the UK, there are more couples living together outside marriage than within marriage. Over 50% of married couples in the West end up in divorce and the leading causes of divorce are adultery and extra-marital affairs."

Clubs agree on committee for extra-marital affairs!

PP Haresh Jagtiani was in his element defending the proposition		Soli Cooper raised a slogan, .Save your marriage, have an affair.!		Dolly Thakore wished she had been wiser when she was 20 or 25

Soli said there was no way to stop affairs. People would stray and have affairs. Faced with this, one could keep on moralising and sermonising about 'worms' and MCPs and try to stop people. But it would not work. Prohibitions never worked; prohibition in alcohol had failed miserably all over the world.

"If you accept adultery and say that it shall be part and parcel of the marital institution, then you can salvage the institution of marriage. Then an extra-marital affair will not destroy a marriage.

"An affair doesn.t mean that one is going to sleep with a different woman every single day. It.s not possible. What it means is that occasionally, as and when the need arises, if you stray it.s not such a disastrous thing after all. It's not going to destroy the marriage.

"Once you say that it is all right to have an affair, there is no problem. You have an affair, I have an affair, we both have affairs and everybody is happy. In fact, I would urge you to adopt the slogan, Save your marriage, have an affair."

The final speaker, Saif Qureshi, almost brought the house down when he said he had never imagined that members of a young Club like Bombay Pier would one day come to the oldest Club and give marriage counselling advice to seniors!

His first bit of counselling: Most marriages broke down because of lack of communication between spouses. The first sign of trouble was when a couple sat at the coffee table and did not have anything to say.

Saif made a mention of the wifeswapping ways of some sections of society and wondered what would happen if extra-marital affairs became legal or acceptable.

"What happens to children if you go with the proposition? Assuming both parents are having extra-marital affairs from day one, then who's child is it anyway? The child may well ask the mother when he or she grows up: Maa, kitne aadmi the?

"But let us assume that extramarital affairs start only after the couple have had the children they want. Can you imagine yourself walking into your parent's bedroom and seeing your mother with another man?

"That is what we are talking about when we talk about extra-marital affairs being good for a marriage. Can a child brought up in such an environment grow up to be a normal human being? What kind of an adult would that child grow up to be?"

Saif said he and his co-speakers were so sure of their values that they had asked their wives to attend the meeting (unlike the other panel).

Another guffaw went up when he asked the three women (the three speakers. respective wives) to raise their hands in acknowledgement. One of the panellists from the head table wondered aloud whether three or four hands had gone up!

"You were hoping! You were hoping that there would be four. You are wrong," said Saif, getting into the mood of the moment.

Rising to present his rebuttal, Haresh wisecracked about .the different ingredients they put into marriages . worms, vanilla ice creams, cherries, social contracts, what have you".

But if marriages were made in heaven, thereby implying that marriage was a perfect institution, then it was time to put it to test. Just as a buyer of a very expensive Rolex watch had the right to demand his money back in case of malfunctioning, similarly, if marriages were made in heaven with God's consent, then it was perfectly all right to put them to test.

"Have an affair and see if the marriage still lasts. Surely, my young friends can.t call it perfect and live happily with that. There is this guarantee that God has given you; go check it out and ask God to replace your wife."

Finally, Haresh requested the Presidents of both Clubs to agree on a committee for extra-marital affairs!

Countering him, Saif tried to call Haresh.s bluff by quoting the statistic about .96.00136 and a half percent of unions in marriage. being first time experiences in intimacy. He, too, had done some .research. and the figure he had come up with was different.

As a clinching argument, he said, although several reasons had been put forth for having an affair, the question remained, .For how long? If you cannot stay happy in a marriage, what is the guarantee that you will stay happy in an affair? Make your marriage interesting not by having affairs but by being fair., he concluded.

Pradeep then put the proposition to vote before declaring that the opposition had won the day. PDG Gulam Vahanvaty agreed with him, pointing out that it was a wellaccepted axiom that all Rotarians were happily married people.

Summing up the debate, President Dr. Rumi Jehangir, as usual, came up with a gem:

"As a rule, man is a fool, when it.s hot, he wants it cool, when it.s cool, he wants it hot, always wanting what is not; so be content with what you.ve got."

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